Demons

Scapegoat

Mercury is in retrograde. The Old World Farmers' Almanac says we are all affected by the retrograde. What's normal becomes the opposite. Mercury's retrograde periods can cause our plans to go awry. It is often attributed to a time of loss. However, it can be an excellent time to reflect on our past. Intuition is high during retrograde, and coincidences can be extraordinary. When Mercury is in retrograde, we must remain flexible, but avoid making decisions until it is over.

Damn Mercury.

As my implant surgery draws near, past reflection is useless. My mind is forward set. And my emotions are high. My demons lie just below -- in the darkness -- where Mercury rises.

To submit myself to cochlear implant surgery feels like a resignation of the inevitable. There will be no miracle for me. The surgery will render my cochlea permanently and irrevocably damaged. I am not a hearing person anymore, and I never will be again. As "good" as current hearing aid technology is, it will never be as good as God-given hearing is. Or was. I am and will forever be  -- deaf.

Some people would say to me, "But a cochlear implant will be your miracle." I'm not sure I can agree with that. In some ways, I think it will be like a gift -- a restitution of sorts --  a reparation of something lost; equivalent, but not equal. It's a matter of "perspective" -- a term I've heard thrown around a lot lately. That perspective depends on which side of the line you stand on, however. And I stand on the deaf side.

There are well-meaning friends who try to encourage and understand what I am going through. But they have no idea what it's like from my perspective. I hate advice from people who don't know, especially when they're telling me how I should feel. But I hate the "my [insert any name of any random acquaintance here] who [wears hearing aids/has a cochlear implant] and they LOVE it" people more than anything else.

I usually just smile and nod, but I really want to punt them out the window.

It's Mercury, I know. When Mercury is in retrograde the human psyche is dark, so other senses are heightened. We feel extra sensitive here. We notice things overlooked before. We slip-up, make mistakes, and misread others' words.  And we shine a light on our demons.

Mercury retrograde is a scapegoat, I think, for our human frailty.

I don't believe in astrology. But I sure am glad my surgery is scheduled when retrograde is over.