I Miss the Music

I can't hear music very well with my cochlear implant. Though I can hear parts of simple melodies, a few lyrics, and a hint of rhythm, the sound of music through my CI is sorely deficient -- lacking the rich fullness and subtle nuances of sound that make music what it is. Through the CI, music is rendered to a mere mechanical shadow of what it's supposed to be. It's much like the proverbial mosquito buzzing in my ear. It's not pleasant. Not in the least.

Focused listening has helped to some degree, but I haven't reached that magical place where listening to music is enjoyable, no matter how much I practice. It's so bad that when my audiologist deleted the "Music" setting from my programming to make way for the new SCAN program, I didn't even bat an eye. Most of the time, I don't pay much attention to how bad it is, as I still have a useable ear opposite my cochlear implant that compensates in most situations. I was never much for listening to the radio or an iPod, and having a CI has made that even less desirable. But lately, I find myself enduring bad music in movies and such, and with increasing regularity, I slip the coil from my magnet and just let my better ear take over, even as poor as that is.

It's a glaring reminder that no matter how good I get at hearing with my cochlear implant, it will never be as good as I wish it would be. I have little hope that I will hear music well again. No more concerts. No more operas. No more symphonies. It would only make me cry.

I'm not going to lie. It's a sore spot for me. Especially when I hear someone brag about how much they love listening to music with their CI. Their well-meaning advice for improving music enjoyment is a bitter pill. Simplistic techniques that only give me what I already have, but nothing more.

I try not to compare my CI success against what others have achieved, but when others talk about how good music sounds through their CI, I find myself slipping into that pattern of envy and disbelief. I walk a fine line between silently wishing I could love it too and wanting to say Hogwash!

Truth be told, I just don't believe it's that good -- even for them. (I know they will argue that with me.) Maybe I want too much. And maybe the limitations of my cochlear implant just can't give me what I want. I want more.

There are many things I've lost since losing my hearing. I miss the music more than anything else.